We were about to lose our first child. Our little boy whom we have never met.
We decided to name our little boy Jonathan, meaning "Gift from God." Jonathan went from my womb to Heaven on June 7th. He is obviously a special little guy, considering God wanted him to become an angel right away - he never had to endure any pains of this world. Although that is extremely hard for us to grasp, the Lord knows what he is doing. He has a plan for us. I keep on telling myself that, but right now it is just still so hard to understand.
I am angry. I am sad. I am depressed. Is this normal? Will I forever feel this way? Feel this loss? I thought I was about to have a baby HERE with me. I thought I was going to hold him and rock him and kiss on him. I thought Jack was going to teach him to play golf and we would be going to little league games. I thought in a year, Jonathan would be chasing Tank around the house. Now our reality is pictures of our little boy in black and white film and an empty stroller sitting in the spare room as a constant reminder.
It's hard for me to stop crying. I have lost a piece of myself. Today I received a book in the mail "Mommy, please don't cry. There are no tears in Heaven." This is just the absolute most perfect book. It brought me to complete tears again, but they seemed to be happy tears mixed with the sad. Happiness for the first time, knowing and remembering that our precious Jonathan is in Heaven. It makes me that much more excited to get to Heaven. I can't wait to see his sweet face, healthy one day. Until then, he will live in our hearts and never be forgotten.
Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.