October 17th

Today was my official due date with Jonathan.  Who knows if he would have actually arrived today, earlier or later - all I can think about today is that he is not here.  It makes me sad and brings me to tears as I type out the words.  I miss him so much.  I miss being pregnant.  I pray every night that Jack and I will continue to grow our little family and that God will bless us with another baby soon.  But we will never forget our first baby, our little angel baby Jonathan.

This month is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  On October 15th, people take a moment to remember those babies who were lost to a miscarriage, still-birth, SIDS or death of a newborn.  I know the day has come and gone, but please take a moment today to pray for all of the mom's and dad's out there who have lost children way too soon.  Pray that they continue to be comforted by God's grace and His plan.

1 Samuel 1:27
 I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.


Thank you God, for giving us Jonathan.  Even though it was for a short time, you had bigger plans for him.  He was so special, he had to become an angel right away.  Jonathan is not here with us, but he made us parents from the start and we are grateful.

A few days went by.

We were about to lose our first child.  Our little boy whom we have never met. 

We decided to name our little boy Jonathan, meaning "Gift from God."  Jonathan went from my womb to Heaven on June 7th.  He is obviously a special little guy, considering God wanted him to become an angel right away - he never had to endure any pains of this world.  Although that is extremely hard for us to grasp, the Lord knows what he is doing.  He has a plan for us.  I keep on telling myself that, but right now it is just still so hard to understand.

I am angry.  I am sad.  I am depressed.  Is this normal?  Will I forever feel this way?  Feel this loss?  I thought I was about to have a baby HERE with me.  I thought I was going to hold him and rock him and kiss on him.  I thought Jack was going to teach him to play golf and we would be going to little league games.  I thought in a year, Jonathan would be chasing Tank around the house.  Now our reality is pictures of our little boy in black and white film and an empty stroller sitting in the spare room as a constant reminder.

It's hard for me to stop crying.  I have lost a piece of myself.  Today I received a book in the mail "Mommy, please don't cry.  There are no tears in Heaven."  This is just the absolute most perfect book.  It brought me to complete tears again, but they seemed to be happy tears mixed with the sad.  Happiness for the first time, knowing and remembering that our precious Jonathan is in Heaven.  It makes me that much more excited to get to Heaven.  I can't wait to see his sweet face, healthy one day.  Until then, he will live in our hearts and never be forgotten. 

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.

Don't worry. You will have another baby soon.....

..... But I wanted this baby......

On our appointment, May 26th - our world was shaken.  After finding out that we were having a BOY, the news that followed wasn't as exciting.  Jack and I were called back to the exam room and Dr. Ribaudo came in to tell us some unfortunate news.  Our little precious boy, whom we had just seen on the big screen had some problems.  From what Dr. Ribaudo could see, internally and externally, our little one had numerous problems.  She wanted us to go see a specialist to see the extent of the problems.  The extent of the problems?  Is our little boy okay?  Is my pregnancy over?  Are the problems fixable?  We knew nothing.  We left the office through the back door in complete tears.  Our big day came to a STOP.  There was no shopping for bedding and lunch with Grammy after our appointment.  We went straight home.  Tears pouring and our hearts broken.  How come this had to happen to us?  What did we do wrong?

The next few days were miserable.  Waiting to see when we would get into see the specialist was torture.  We finally got word we would be able to see Dr. Blake in Tulsa on that following Wednesday, June 1st.  May 26th to June 1st were the longest 6 days of my entire life.  I wanted answers and I wanted them NOW.  We arrived to Dr. Blake's office that Wednesday with high hopes of a miracle.  We prayed and prayed that our baby boy could have been healed.  That he would be whole.  That he would look healthy.  Our biggest fears were confirmed at this appointment.  Our little guy just had too many problems.  Dr. Blake was surprised I had carried him this far - and she also said she would be surprised if I would carry him past 28 weeks and even then, he would probably be still-born.  Our little gift, our first boy, was going to have to be taken at 21 weeks.  There were just too many physical problems, on the inside and outside.  How come this had to happen to us?  What did we do wrong?

We went home again in tears.  Numb.  The pain - unexplainable.  Instead of having a baby boy in October, we were going to be having one in June - but in this case, we wouldn't be taking him home.....