We were about to lose our first child. Our little boy whom we have never met.
We decided to name our little boy Jonathan, meaning "Gift from God." Jonathan went from my womb to Heaven on June 7th. He is obviously a special little guy, considering God wanted him to become an angel right away - he never had to endure any pains of this world. Although that is extremely hard for us to grasp, the Lord knows what he is doing. He has a plan for us. I keep on telling myself that, but right now it is just still so hard to understand.
I am angry. I am sad. I am depressed. Is this normal? Will I forever feel this way? Feel this loss? I thought I was about to have a baby HERE with me. I thought I was going to hold him and rock him and kiss on him. I thought Jack was going to teach him to play golf and we would be going to little league games. I thought in a year, Jonathan would be chasing Tank around the house. Now our reality is pictures of our little boy in black and white film and an empty stroller sitting in the spare room as a constant reminder.
It's hard for me to stop crying. I have lost a piece of myself. Today I received a book in the mail "Mommy, please don't cry. There are no tears in Heaven." This is just the absolute most perfect book. It brought me to complete tears again, but they seemed to be happy tears mixed with the sad. Happiness for the first time, knowing and remembering that our precious Jonathan is in Heaven. It makes me that much more excited to get to Heaven. I can't wait to see his sweet face, healthy one day. Until then, he will live in our hearts and never be forgotten.
Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.
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I don't know you, but I have enjoyed reading your blog and seeing cute pictures of your dog. I am so sorry about your loss. It's something no one ever wants to imagine facing.
ReplyDeleteI am new to your blog & I am saddened to hear of the loss of your little boy, I lost my little boy 7 years ago this past February when I was 5 months, one of the hardest things I have been through, it does get easier but it takes a while, you don't forget, the pain & hurt is still there just not as often. I will keep you & your husband in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI found your site through In This Wonderful Life. We lost our son to heaven 2 years ago this July. It still brings tears to my eyes to write about it but the daily feeling of pain and constant crying has lessened. I think about my son every single day. Our son was diagnosed with pentalogy of cantrell and was stillborn at 34 weeks. We were hoping for a miracle from 20 weeks on but God had other plans in mind for our son.I'm still sad sometimes, still mad sometimes but not a day goes by that I don't think about him and know that he is safe and will never have to suffer or endure any worldly pains. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. It will get better but don't ever feel rushed by anyone. You will know when things are better, you will just kinda feel it. This is a very dark time but I hope that for you and your family that this time becomes a dark blip in a lifetime full of light.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from Megan's blog. I can not say how sorry I am enough times. I pray that God will heal your and your husbands heart.
ReplyDeleteJamie-We lost our daughter Hadley on February 28 of this year. She was 22 weeks 6 days. My water ruptured prematurely and my body went into labor. I am so so sorry for your loss. I understand what you are feeling...I will be praying for you and your husband!! ~Melissa
ReplyDeleteI am here from In This Wonderful Life, and normally wouldn't comment on blogs of a stranger, but just wanted to share with you a couple things. I am grieving for and with you. We also lost an October baby, only at just past 6 weeks pregnant this past February. I am so sorry for your loss. One book that was a huge blessing to us was Naming the Child: Hope-Filled Reflections on Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death. I think you'd find it very helpful in the grieving process.
ReplyDeleteHi there. I am visiting from Megan's blog as well. I know I cannot say anything to take away your pain. I have never lost a child (even though I thought i would) but i have lost my only sister. Over the years i have realized grief is different for everyone and you have to be very gentle with yourself and do what you need to do. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteLost my first son, first child to stillbirth in December. I was 38w5d and he was perfect... just without a heartbeat.
ReplyDeleteIt's been over 6 months and we're still struggling, but how can we not? He was our son and we wanted him so much. Keep writing. It's been so therapeutic for me. Keep close to that husband, too. Mine has been such an incredible strength to me.
With you in grief.
I am visiting from Megan's blog. I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our sweet boy at 5.5 months. We will never know what happened to cause him to be stillborn. Right now it doesn't seem like the pain will ever get better. It does. In time and your time will be different than mine and from others. You will know when it starts getting a little better, you will begin to feel it. You will still remember and you will still feel that little ache but not as shockingly. It has been three years since our baby left us and I still cry about it but I can talk about him. I have a photo album that I have made just for our little one. I have never finished it but I am feeling that I will get it finished this summer because I am finally at that point in my grief.
ReplyDeleteI pray for healing for you and your husband and your families. Those of us who have been there before will help you as much as we can, all you have to do is come visit us in blogland.