Three Years

Yesterday Jack and I celebrated our three year wedding anniversary.  It's hard to believe that three years has gone by so quickly.  I feel like I have known and been with Jack my whole life (in a really good way).

When Jack and I started dating, we were living in two different cities.  Him in Denver and me in Dallas.  We saw each other about twice a month.  Sometimes if we were lucky, it would be three times a month.  Something so great about long distance relationships is you have to talk on the phone.  That is all you have, so we really got to know each other inside and out.  Something not so great about long distance relationships is missing each other and the price to travel!!  After a year of dating, Jack proposed when he came to Dallas in October 2007.  I am so very lucky for Jack to have come into my life.  He is an amazing husband!  

Last night we spent a low key night together having dinner at this little bakery down the street from our house then heading home.  It was the perfect night.  I can only hope that every girl in the world experiences a love like I have.  It's awesome :)

Dinner

Hot Husband

After dinner, we came home to this.  How lucky are we?

Is it 5 o'clock yet?!

Happy Wednesday Everyone!

Love, VelcroDog

Father's Day

This was supposed to be Jack's first Father's Day with a baby on the way.  It sadly didn't turn out that way.  Saying this upsets me is a complete understatement.  It kills me that his first Father's Day was over shadowed by the loss of our first child.  Yesterday I kept having to hold back tears thinking of Jack and the wonderful dad that he IS to Jonathan and Tank and the wonderful dad that he will be to our future children as well.  He didn't deserve to have Jonathan taken away so soon.  I remember on May 26th, when we were in the exam room and the ultrasound tech said "It's a Boy!" Jack said "YESSS!!!" pretty loud and jumped up and gave me a kiss.  He obviously would have been excited with a boy or a girl, we just wanted a healthy baby, but I know hearing "boy" made him so proud.  There is just something about a Dad and his son.  Thinking about Jack and Jonathan and Tank makes my heart smile.

Tomorrow will be two weeks since Jonathan went to Heaven.  I can't believe how fast the time is passing by.  I should be 23 weeks.  I don't know if I am going to stop thinking about what week I should be.  Is it normal to keep thinking about the thought of having a baby in October?  Wishing with every bit of my soul that I was still pregnant?

I read "Heaven is for Real" this past weekend.  I loved the book and I think everyone should read it.  It touched my heart.  If you are not a believer when you read this book, by the time you finish it, you will be.  The vision of Jonathan playing and singing with other Angel Babies in Heaven makes me so happy.  I know Jonathan can see his Dad and knows what a wonderful person and father he is, not only on Father's Day, but everyday.

Happy Father's Day, Jack.  You are so loved.

Tank's first weekend home

We loved Jonathan from the beginning - We were parents from the start :)

A few thoughts.... and Thank You's :)

I wanted to reach out and say THANK YOU to everyone who has commented on my recent posts, emailed or found me on Facebook to chat.  All of the support, even from people I have never met is so generous and really appreciated.  It is nice to know that others know what Jack and I are going through - and that we aren't alone in our feelings.  I seriously can't thank you all enough for sharing your own experiences with me the past couple of days.

While I have some new readers here, can I please ask you all to also say a little prayer for two of my best friends from college that are also going through a tough time right now.  One of them has a brother-in-law in trauma ICU and the other one is about 24 weeks pregnant and just found out her little boy Oliver may have a few complications.  Right now, both situations are a waiting game until more results come back.  Please keep them both in your prayers.

I have found that writing and reading have been helping me out, emotionally.  It is nice to have an outlet to go to and express my feelings.  Another way I have been doing that is cooking and baking.  I came across The Best Frosted Sugar Cookies at Hostess with the Mostess and thought I would give them a try.  I think they tasted great and turned out really pretty.  And the best part is, you can make them any shape or color you want!  These would be great for any holiday or fun party!

We also had two very special birthdays the past couple of weeks that I can't forget to mention.  My wonderful husband, Jack turned the big 3-0 and Velcro Dog, Tank turned 3!  It wasn't the best timing, considering all that we were worried about with Jonathan, but you can't let trials in life stop you from celebrating the good stuff in life as well.  It was extremely low key, but on their birthdays, we just spent time together as a family, had a little cake, (dog) cookies and presents.

A few days went by.

We were about to lose our first child.  Our little boy whom we have never met. 

We decided to name our little boy Jonathan, meaning "Gift from God."  Jonathan went from my womb to Heaven on June 7th.  He is obviously a special little guy, considering God wanted him to become an angel right away - he never had to endure any pains of this world.  Although that is extremely hard for us to grasp, the Lord knows what he is doing.  He has a plan for us.  I keep on telling myself that, but right now it is just still so hard to understand.

I am angry.  I am sad.  I am depressed.  Is this normal?  Will I forever feel this way?  Feel this loss?  I thought I was about to have a baby HERE with me.  I thought I was going to hold him and rock him and kiss on him.  I thought Jack was going to teach him to play golf and we would be going to little league games.  I thought in a year, Jonathan would be chasing Tank around the house.  Now our reality is pictures of our little boy in black and white film and an empty stroller sitting in the spare room as a constant reminder.

It's hard for me to stop crying.  I have lost a piece of myself.  Today I received a book in the mail "Mommy, please don't cry.  There are no tears in Heaven."  This is just the absolute most perfect book.  It brought me to complete tears again, but they seemed to be happy tears mixed with the sad.  Happiness for the first time, knowing and remembering that our precious Jonathan is in Heaven.  It makes me that much more excited to get to Heaven.  I can't wait to see his sweet face, healthy one day.  Until then, he will live in our hearts and never be forgotten. 

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.

Don't worry. You will have another baby soon.....

..... But I wanted this baby......

On our appointment, May 26th - our world was shaken.  After finding out that we were having a BOY, the news that followed wasn't as exciting.  Jack and I were called back to the exam room and Dr. Ribaudo came in to tell us some unfortunate news.  Our little precious boy, whom we had just seen on the big screen had some problems.  From what Dr. Ribaudo could see, internally and externally, our little one had numerous problems.  She wanted us to go see a specialist to see the extent of the problems.  The extent of the problems?  Is our little boy okay?  Is my pregnancy over?  Are the problems fixable?  We knew nothing.  We left the office through the back door in complete tears.  Our big day came to a STOP.  There was no shopping for bedding and lunch with Grammy after our appointment.  We went straight home.  Tears pouring and our hearts broken.  How come this had to happen to us?  What did we do wrong?

The next few days were miserable.  Waiting to see when we would get into see the specialist was torture.  We finally got word we would be able to see Dr. Blake in Tulsa on that following Wednesday, June 1st.  May 26th to June 1st were the longest 6 days of my entire life.  I wanted answers and I wanted them NOW.  We arrived to Dr. Blake's office that Wednesday with high hopes of a miracle.  We prayed and prayed that our baby boy could have been healed.  That he would be whole.  That he would look healthy.  Our biggest fears were confirmed at this appointment.  Our little guy just had too many problems.  Dr. Blake was surprised I had carried him this far - and she also said she would be surprised if I would carry him past 28 weeks and even then, he would probably be still-born.  Our little gift, our first boy, was going to have to be taken at 21 weeks.  There were just too many physical problems, on the inside and outside.  How come this had to happen to us?  What did we do wrong?

We went home again in tears.  Numb.  The pain - unexplainable.  Instead of having a baby boy in October, we were going to be having one in June - but in this case, we wouldn't be taking him home.....